Self-esteem

Does this little inner voice speak to me sometimes? The one who tells me that I'm not good enough, that others are doing better, that I don't really deserve the good things that happen to me? If so, I'm not alone: ​​psychological studies show that lack of self-esteem is one of the most frequent sources of psychological suffering, and one of the most underestimated factors impacting quality of life and performance at work. The good news is clear: self-esteem is not something fixed at birth. It’s a skill that can be developed, at any age, with the right tools, and often faster than we think.

1. Self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love: I take stock

These three notions are often confused, even though they designate distinct and complementary realities.

Self-esteem is the overall value I place on myself. It is the look, benevolent or severe, that I have on myself, independently of what I do.

Self-confidence is more specific: it is my belief in my ability to act, to face a given situation, to succeed in a specific task. It is situational and varies depending on the domain.

Self-love is a form of deep and unconditional acceptance of who I am, regardless of my successes, my failures or the views of others.

These three dimensions influence each other. Working on one strengthens the others. And contrary to what one might believe, none of them are fixed in adulthood.

2. Where does my self-esteem come from, and why can it waver?

Self-esteem is built from childhood, through messages received from those around you, lived experiences, and the quality of attachment bonds. But it continues to evolve throughout life. Several factors can erode it:

• ●Repeated negative messages in childhood, criticism, unfavorable comparisons, lack of appreciation.

• ●Undigested experiences of failure, rejection or shame, which leave the conviction that “I am not capable”.

• ●Toxic or demeaning relationships, at school, at work or in the private sphere.

• ●Permanent comparison to others, amplified by social networks and their portrayal of idealized lives.

• ●Excessive perfectionism: when I demand to be perfect before daring to act, I never act enough, and I never build proof of my competence.

Understanding these roots does not serve to find culprits, but to depersonalize my inner critic: this voice is not “the truth about who I am”. It's a story that was built, and that I can start to rewrite.

3. How low self-esteem affects my daily life

Low self-esteem is not trivial: its effects manifest themselves in all areas of my life.

• ●At work: I minimize my successes, I doubt my skills (imposter syndrome), I avoid taking initiatives for fear of judgment or failure, I have difficulty handling criticism.

• ●In my relationships: I have difficulty setting limits, expressing my needs, saying no. I can tolerate unbalanced or demeaning relationships because I believe they are deserved.

• ●For my health: Low self-esteem is a proven risk factor for depression, anxiety and burnout. It is also associated with behaviors less favorable to health, impulsive eating, sedentary lifestyle, addiction.

Research by Orth and Robins (2013) showed that low self-esteem is not only a symptom, but also a causal factor of depression, which reinforces the importance of acting on this lever for prevention.

4. 6 concrete strategies to strengthen my self-esteem1. I work on my inner dialogue. Would I talk to myself the way I talk to myself if it was a friend? Starting to reformulate my self-criticisms in a gentler and more realistic way gradually and lastingly changes the image I have of myself.

2. I keep a victory journal. Every evening, I write down 3 things that I can be proud of, even if they are small. This simple exercise gradually recalibrates my outlook towards my successes, which my natural tendency pushes to minimize.

3. I act before I feel ready. Confidence is built through action, not by waiting for the perfect moment. Each small challenge met, even imperfectly, becomes concrete proof of my ability, the raw material of self-esteem.

4. I am learning to receive compliments. Rather than putting them into perspective or dismissing them with “it’s nothing”, I practice saying simply “thank you”. Letting positive information in rather than blocking it is a powerful move.

5. I surround myself with caring people. My surroundings profoundly influence my self-esteem. Relationships that value, support and respect positively nourish the image I have of myself. Conversely, devaluing relationships erode it.

6. I set limits. Learning to say no without guilt is an act of respect for myself. Each limit set sends the message to my brain that my needs matter, and gradually strengthens my self-esteem.

5. When to seek professional support?

When my low self-esteem is deeply rooted and significantly invades my professional life, my relationships or my health, self-help strategies are often not sufficient. Psychotherapeutic support can produce lasting and profound changes.

CBT (cognitive and behavioral therapy): very effective in identifying and modifying negative thought patterns about oneself.

Schema therapy: particularly suitable when low self-esteem is very old and linked to childhood wounds.

My general practitioner can direct me to the professional best suited to my situation. I don't wait until the suffering is unbearable to ask for help: intervening early means acting in prevention, and it is already an act of self-esteem.