A friend who no longer responds to messages. A colleague whose behavior has changed. A loved one who cries often, talks about anxiety, or seems exhausted. Faced with the suffering of someone we love, we often feel helpless: what can we say without making things worse? How to help without imposing yourself? How far can you go before putting yourself in danger? According to a UNAFAM study (2019), 60% of mental health caregivers themselves develop symptoms of anxiety or depression within two years. Helping effectively and sustainably requires knowledge, tools and vigilant attention to one's own limits. This article is here to help you.
1. What my loved one really needs to hear, and what is best to avoid
| To say | Avoid | « Don't worry, it will pass. » | Minimize the suffering and cut off the dialogue |
|---|---|---|---|
| “I may not understand everything you're going through, but I want to understand. » | “You have no reason to be sad. » | Invalidates the person's experience | |
| "Do you want to talk about this or would you just like to have company? » | « Shake yourself, make an effort! » | Ignores the neurobiological nature of the disorder | |
| “You worry me. I want to help you find support. » | “I've been through worse and I got through it. » | Creates unproductive suffering competition | |
| “I'm here, even if I don't know what to say. » | “You should... / you just have to..." | Unsolicited advice interrupts listening |
2. Active listening: the most valuable skillMost of us, when faced with someone who is suffering, feel the immediate need to resolve, to advise, to minimize in order to relieve the discomfort, ours as much as theirs. Active listening requires precisely the opposite: to remain present with the suffering of the other, without trying to make it disappear.
- ●Listen to understand, not to respond. Give the other person time and space to get to the bottom of what they are feeling, without interrupting or completing their sentences.
- ●Reformulate without interpreting. “If I understand correctly, you feel overwhelmed and you no longer see a way out at the moment. Is that it? » The reformulation shows that I have heard and invites clarification, it does not project.
- ●Validate without approving. I can recognize that someone is in intense pain without agreeing with their reading of the situation. “I understand that this really hurts you” is not “you are right to see things that way”.
- ●Tolerate silences. Silence is not a void to be filled. It is often the space in which the person finds the words to say something important. Resisting the discomfort of silence is one of the most valuable lessons learned in accompaniment.
3. Encourage professional help without rushing
One of the most important contributions I can make to a suffering loved one is to direct them to professional help. But this requires delicacy:
Propose without imposing. “I've been thinking about you and heard about a device/professional who might be able to help you. Do you want to watch this together? » Open invitation is more effective than directive advice.
Standardize the process. “Many people go through difficult times and find that professional help really makes a difference. This is not a sign of weakness, on the contrary. »
Offer concrete support. Look for available resources together, accompany you to the first appointment if the person wishes, help make the appointment. Concrete actions reduce the practical obstacles that often delay seeking care.
In the event of suicidal comments, even if expressed indirectly (“I would like to disappear”, “everyone would be better off without me”), ask the question directly: “Are you thinking about ending your life?” » doesn't give any ideas. It opens a door. Then call 3114 together.
4. Take care of yourself while helping: avoid caregiver burnout
Supporting someone who is suffering is exhausting, even when you do it out of love. Caregiver burnout is a documented reality, with serious consequences for the caregiver's own mental health.
Recognize my own limits. I can't be someone's only support. I'm not a therapist. I can't save someone who doesn't want to. Recognizing these limits is not abandonment, it is lucidity.
Maintain my own recovery spaces. My pleasure activities, my friendships, my sleep, my moments of refreshing solitude, these spaces must be protected even (especially) when I am supporting someone who is suffering.
Seek support too. Talk to someone you trust about what I'm going through as a caregiver, friend, healthcare professional, support group for caregivers. UNAFAM offers specific resources for relatives of people with mental disorders.
Set limits on availability. I cannot be available 24 hours a day, neither for my own good nor for that of my loved one, who also needs to learn to manage difficult times without depending entirely on me.
5. Resources to know
- ●3114: National Suicide Prevention Number, for people in crisis and for worried loved ones. Available 24 hours a day, free.
- ●UNAFAM: National Union of Families and Friends of people suffering from psychiatric disorders. Support groups, training, support for loved ones.
- ●The general practitioner: First point of entry to direct a loved one towards appropriate care.
- ●The CMP (Medico-Psychological Center): Accessible without appointment, free, for people suffering psychologically.
💡 tips to remember
- The most precious words are often the simplest: “I am here”, “you are not alone”, “I hear you”. Before advice and solutions, presence and validation change everything.
- I listen to understand, not to respond. I am rephrasing without interpreting. I tolerate silences. These three gestures constitute the essentials of active listening, the most valuable skill of a caregiver.
- In case of suicidal comments, I ask the question directly: “Are you thinking about harming yourself? » It doesn't give you ideas, it opens a door. Then I call 3114 with myself.
- Caregiver burnout is real: 60% of mental health caregivers develop anxiety or depression themselves. Taking care of yourself is not selfishness, it is the condition for lasting help.
- I am not a therapist and I cannot carry everything alone. Referring my loved one to professional help while maintaining my own recovery space is the healthiest and most effective posture.
