Mourning

Losing someone or something that mattered deeply, a loved one, a relationship, a job, a health, an identity, is one of the most universal and intense experiences of human life. And yet, our society is often uncomfortable with mourning: it expects us to “turn the page”, to “move forward”, sometimes much too quickly. According to the WHO, around 10% of bereaved people develop prolonged or complicated grief, persistent and pervasive suffering that merits specific care. For everyone else, going through grief remains a difficult but passable path. This article is here to help you understand what you are experiencing, and to move forward at your own pace, without judgment.

1. Grief: much more than sadness

Grief is the psychological, emotional and physiological process by which I adapt to a significant loss. It does not only concern the death of a loved one: I can experience grief after a separation, a serious illness, the loss of a job, a move, the end of a life project, or even the loss of a version of myself that I can no longer be.

Grief mobilizes my entire being: intense and variable emotions (sadness, anger, guilt, shock, but also sometimes relief or anesthesia), physical manifestations (profound fatigue, sleep and appetite disorders, somatic pain), cognitive upheavals (difficulty concentrating, intrusive thoughts) and profound identity changes.

2. Grieving models: benchmarks, not rules

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's “5 stages of grief” model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) is the best known, but also the most misunderstood. These stages are not a linear and obligatory progression. They describe frequent experiences, which may occur in any order, be repeated, or not all appear.

A more operational model for going through grief is that of William Worden, who describes 4 tasks, not steps to take in order, but processes that I will go through at my own pace:

• ●Task 1, Accept the reality of the loss: intellectually and emotionally integrate that the loss is real and permanent. This takes time, and several trips back and forth between acceptance and denial are normal.

• ●Task 2, Working through the pain of grief: allow emotional pain to exist and manifest. Running away from it or muzzling it slows down the process and can lead to complicated grief.

• ●Task 3, Adapt to an environment without the lost presence: relearn how to live in a world modified by loss, practically, emotionally and identity-wise.

• ●Task 4, Find a lasting place for the loss and reinvest in life: integrate the loss into my story without it taking up all the space. It's not forgetting, it's continuing to live with it.

3. What helps you get through grief

Allow myself to feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Sadness, anger, guilt, but also moments of laughter or lightness, all this is normal and part of the process. I must not “be strong” or perform my pain for others.

Talk about it, don't isolate yourself. Sharing my pain with trusted loved ones, participating in a post-bereavement support group, or consulting a professional: putting words to what I am experiencing lightens the load and reminds me that I am not alone in this experience.

Take care of my body. Grief has real physical manifestations. Getting enough sleep, eating regularly, walking outdoors—these simple actions support my ability to move through pain without completely collapsing.Don't put me on deadline. There is no “normal length” of mourning. Some losses can be worked on in a few months, others take years. I give myself permission to take the time I need, without comparing myself to others or judging myself.

Honor the relationship or what was lost. Finding ways to keep a place for what I have lost, commemorative ritual, symbolic act, personal memorial, can help to integrate the loss without erasing it.

4. Complicated or prolonged mourning: when to consult?

For the majority of people, grief, although painful, follows a natural process of adaptation. But for around 10% of them, it develops into prolonged or complicated grief, recognized as a disorder by the DSM-5 and the ICD-11:

• ●Intense and persistent pain more than a year after the loss (6 months for children).

• ●Inability to accept or adapt to the reality of loss.

• ●Severe difficulties in resuming daily life (work, relationships, activities).

• ●Feeling that life no longer has meaning without the lost person or thing.

In the event of suicidal thoughts related to bereavement, I immediately contact 3114, the National Suicide Prevention Number, available 24/7.

Specialized psychotherapeutic support for grief, including Complicated Grief Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is particularly effective. My general practitioner can refer me.